Below is a more factually accurate version of that letter, minus the Comic-Sans:
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Dear Cleveland, All Of Northeast Ohio and Cleveland Cavaliers Supporters Who Didn't Start Caring Until After We Drafted LeBron;
As you now know, my former cash cow, who grew up in the very hellhole that he deserted this evening, is no longer a Cleveland Cavalier.
This was announced with a two year, narcissistic, self-promotional build-up culminating with a national TV snoozefest of his "decision" unlike anything ever "witnessed" in the history of sports and probably the history of Nike marketing... so far.
Clearly, this is f*cking infuriating to all of us, but mostly me.
The good news is that the ownership team, who bent over backwards for this clown time and time again, and the rest of the deflated, worried-for-their-jobs staff over here at your hometown Cavaliers have not betrayed you, but will soon betray downtown Cleveland's real estate market once we all dump our overpriced condos.
There is so much more to tell you about the events of the recent past and our more than exciting future. Over the next several days and weeks, we will be communicating much of that to you, for example, INCREDIBLY affordable ticket options for the 2010-2011 season. Incredibly affordable.
You simply don't deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal, but I’m sure as Clevelanders you expected it 100%.
You have given me so much money and now I deserve so much more.
In the meantime, I want to make one statement to you tonight:
"I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER ‘KING’ WINS ONE OR… YOU KNOW… WHATEVER"
You can take it to the bank (but not the one located in the Gateway District that was recently bailed out using federal funds, you know the one. The one with the broken ATM. Yes, that one. With the sexy blonde teller with the glasses. Samantha's her name? Whooo boy, I'll tell ya...)
If you thought we were in over our heads before tonight in our quest to bring the hardware to Cleveland, I can tell you that this shameful display of selfishness and betrayal by one of our very own has demolished our "motivation" to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels... well, since 2002-2003.
Some people (they know who they are) think they should go to heaven but NOT have to be killed to get there.
Sorry, but that's simply not how it works with me.
This somewhat understandable act of disloyalty from the man we helped dub the "chosen one" sends a pretty murky, complicated lesson of what we would want our children to learn. And now forces us to actually do some parenting. Damn it.
But the good news is that although this heartless and callous action can only serve as more fuel to the inferno that is the "curse" of Cleveland, Ohio, no fire burns forever.
The self-declared (and democratically, overwhelmingly popularly elected) former "King" will be leaving the "curse" with us. And unless we can slip it in his luggage before he leaves, James (and the absolutely beautiful town where he now plays) will rightfully be spared this dreaded spell and bad karma.
Just watch… in person at Quicken Loans Arena with our new reduced ticket prices.
Sleep well and long, Cleveland.
Tomorrow is a new and much different day, which no one is in any rush to face....
I PROMISE you that our energy, focus, capital, knowledge and experience will be directed at one thing and one thing only:
MAXIMIZING our bottom line while hoping you forget about the championship you have long deserved and is long overdue....
Dan Gilbert
Majority Owner
Cleveland Cavaliers
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