Aaron Likes Popcorn

Sunday, December 26, 2010

The 2010 ALPY Awards

Haven't done this in a few years, but below are the winners of the 2010 Aaron Likes Popcorn Awards (ALPY).

I'm pretty sure I forgot to list like a billion things, but ah well.

Music

The Can't Believe It Lived Up To the Hype Award:

My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy - Kanye West

The I Knew They Were Dope, But I Didn't See This Coming Award:

Pilot Talk - Curren$y

The I Don't Even Care That She Wears the Same Thing Everyday Award:

The ArchAndroid - Janelle Monae

The How Did This Album Possibly Go Under the Radar? Award:

Sir Lucious Leftfoot - Big Boi

The Just Enjoy This Sh*t (J.E.T.S) Award:

Breakfast - Curren$y

The Chance Download of the Year Award:

K.R.I.T. Wuz Here - Big K.R.I.T.

The Do the Kids Today Even Enjoy Music Like This? Award:

The Joy - Kanye West featuring Jay-Z

The Timbs and Hoodies Award:

Large On the Streets - Vado

The Free Music Series Better Than 95% of 2010 Albums Award:

G.O.O.D. Fridays

TV/Film

The This Sitcom Thinks It's A Movie Award:

Community

The Yeah, This Is Pretty Accurate - Award:

The League

The Can't Believe People Thought This Show Moved Too Slow. Treme Moved Too Slow, Not This - Award:

Boardwalk Empire

The C'mon People, It Wasn't That Confusing Award:

Inception

The I Feel Like They Made This Movie Specifically With Me in Mind Award:

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

The Nic Cage Couldn't Even Ruin It Award:

Kick Ass

The Left the Theater Feeling Like a Bum Award:

The Social Network

The I Didn't See the Movie, But I Heard It Was Excellent. I Did See That One Scene Though. Yes, THAT Scene - Award:

Black Swan

The This Movie Was Much Better Than It Was Marketed Award:

The Other Guys

Sports

The LOL. Giants Suck Award:

DeSean Jackson Rips Out the Hearts of the NY Giants

The LOL. Cowboys Suck Award:

DeSean Jackson Tears Out the Hearts of the Dallas Cowboys

The Didn't Cliff Lee Basically Do the Same Thing I Did? Award:

LeBron James

The Cliff Lee Award:

Cliff Lee

The It Was Hard to Hate on the Lakers After That Award:

Ron Artest

Womenfolk

The Derek Jeter Always Wins Award:

Minka Kelly

The I Knew, But I Never Noticed Award:

Ciara

The Sheeeeit, Maybe You Wouldn't Award:

Free

The Her Legs Are Taller Than Me Award:

Blake Lively

The Since When? Award

Angela Simmons

The "Cute" Is Not A Backhanded Compliment Award:

Alison Brie

The We All Saw A Few Episodes Award:

Cat Washington

The Keeps Going and Going and Going Award:

Eva Mendes

Internet Crap

The Awwww, That Was Cute Award:

Sesame Street Whip My Hair Mashup

The Greg Jennings Award:

Greg Jennings Scores on the Saints

The This Is Still Funny? Ok... It Is Award:

The Bed Intruder Song

The Internet's National Politician of the Year:

Alvin Greene

The Internet's State Politician of the Year:

The Rent is Too Damn High Guy

The Amber-Lamps Award:

Epic Beard Man

_______________________________

Friday, July 09, 2010

The Dan Gilbert Letter - Edited for Accuracy

Last night after Decision 2010, Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert jumped on his team's official site to deliver a scathing, ill-advised letter addressed to Cavs fans while ripping into LeBron James.

Below is a more factually accurate version of that letter, minus the Comic-Sans:

----------------------------

Dear Cleveland, All Of Northeast Ohio and Cleveland Cavaliers Supporters Who Didn't Start Caring Until After We Drafted LeBron;

As you now know, my former cash cow, who grew up in the very hellhole that he deserted this evening, is no longer a Cleveland Cavalier.

This was announced with a two year, narcissistic, self-promotional build-up culminating with a national TV snoozefest of his "decision" unlike anything ever "witnessed" in the history of sports and probably the history of Nike marketing... so far.

Clearly, this is f*cking infuriating to all of us, but mostly me.

The good news is that the ownership team, who bent over backwards for this clown time and time again, and the rest of the deflated, worried-for-their-jobs staff over here at your hometown Cavaliers have not betrayed you, but will soon betray downtown Cleveland's real estate market once we all dump our overpriced condos.

There is so much more to tell you about the events of the recent past and our more than exciting future. Over the next several days and weeks, we will be communicating much of that to you, for example, INCREDIBLY affordable ticket options for the 2010-2011 season. Incredibly affordable.

You simply don't deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal, but I’m sure as Clevelanders you expected it 100%.

You have given me so much money and now I deserve so much more.

In the meantime, I want to make one statement to you tonight:

"I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER ‘KING’ WINS ONE OR… YOU KNOW… WHATEVER"

You can take it to the bank (but not the one located in the Gateway District that was recently bailed out using federal funds, you know the one. The one with the broken ATM. Yes, that one. With the sexy blonde teller with the glasses. Samantha's her name? Whooo boy, I'll tell ya...)

If you thought we were in over our heads before tonight in our quest to bring the hardware to Cleveland, I can tell you that this shameful display of selfishness and betrayal by one of our very own has demolished our "motivation" to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels... well, since 2002-2003.

Some people (they know who they are) think they should go to heaven but NOT have to be killed to get there.

Sorry, but that's simply not how it works with me.

This somewhat understandable act of disloyalty from the man we helped dub the "chosen one" sends a pretty murky, complicated lesson of what we would want our children to learn. And now forces us to actually do some parenting. Damn it.

But the good news is that although this heartless and callous action can only serve as more fuel to the inferno that is the "curse" of Cleveland, Ohio, no fire burns forever.

The self-declared (and democratically, overwhelmingly popularly elected) former "King" will be leaving the "curse" with us. And unless we can slip it in his luggage before he leaves, James (and the absolutely beautiful town where he now plays) will rightfully be spared this dreaded spell and bad karma.

Just watch… in person at Quicken Loans Arena with our new reduced ticket prices.

Sleep well and long, Cleveland.

Tomorrow is a new and much different day, which no one is in any rush to face....

I PROMISE you that our energy, focus, capital, knowledge and experience will be directed at one thing and one thing only:

MAXIMIZING our bottom line while hoping you forget about the championship you have long deserved and is long overdue....